what's with the name?

back when i got my first computer, circa 1989, i didn't have a lot of money to spare, and the technology was a long way from where it is now. with the guidance of a techno-savvy linguistics professor, i invested in a swan something-or-other, with an amber monochrome monitor, and some word-processing software that was decidedly clunky. when i wrote my first paper (i was in grad school at the time) on the gee-whiz machine, i decided i should run a spell-check, just for kicks. i saved the document to the floppy disk (the really floppy kind), and popped in the spell-check disk (i told you it was clunky). i quickly realized that the spell-check dictionary needed some serious work, because the very first word it highlighted was my first name.

if you're an american of a certain age, you may know that the name "jennifer" has been a popular one for baby girls since the early 70's (i was born in 1963, but my mom was always just ahead of the curve). so, as you can imagine, i was a bit surprised to see that spell-check didn't recognize it as a word. i was even more surprised when i explored a bit further, because spell-check suggested an alternate spelling. perhaps, the amber screen informed me, i actually meant to sign my name as "guanophore."

guanophore? what's a guanophore?? i looked it up in my bigass random house unabridged dictionary, and, of course, found no such word (only the creators of the spell-check program knew what it meant, i figured, and they had to be pretty oblivious to the outside world if the name "jennifer" was not in their lexicon in 1989. but i digress.). i found "guano," which i already knew to be, essentially, shit. then i went on to the "-phore," and bigass random house told me it was "a learned borrowing from Greek meaning 'bearer,' 'thing or part bearing (something),' used in the formation of compound words." putting the parts together, this gave me "shit carrier." for a thousand reasons, i found i strongly identified with this image, and thus, a pseudonym was born.

over the years, i have told this story many times, always emphasizing that i am, indeed, one who carries too much metaphorical shit, and so the name suited me. larfs aplenty. decades pass. then one friend took it upon himself to look up "guanophore" in a scientific dictionary, and he informed me that it is another word for "iridocyte," or "a specialized cell in the integument of certain animal species which is filled with iridescent crystals of guanine and a variety of lipophores." in other words, a guanophore is a cell that allows certain critters to have a kind of rainbow coloration, like an oil slick in a mud puddle. so now i don't just carry shit: i enable others to glow, sort of. since my diagnosis of asperger's syndrome, i have come to see this more specifically. i am on the autistic spectrum, and i make rainbows.

to a fundamentalist

oh, wow. "science says"? might want to read some of the things you fear so much, because you need to cite something more specific than that for a skeptic like me. there is room for god in science, and there is room for science in god, imho.... we need to accept each other NOW, because what we live, we model for children. kids tease and bully each other, and some kids kill themselves, based on those rigid notions of who we are allowed to love. that's insane. it has to stop

thanks, connie!

my vegetarian son actually started to read labels recently, and he balked when he realized that his morning yogurt contained gelatin. "do you know where that stuff comes from?!" he squawked at me. it was 7am, so i told him to drink his ovaltine and have a granola bar. later that day, i read the label myself. when he got home from school, i patiently (i think) explained what KOSHER gelatin is (or, more precisely, is NOT). now he eats his yogurt. :D

my boy

this thursday night, my son is going to his prom. he's renting a tux, and might even be taking a date, sort of (the sister of a friend, with whom he as an agreement: if neither one has a date by thursday, they'll go together).

my son is 15, and he's an aspie. he attends a school where all the kids have some sort of diagnosis. some of them have depression, some have anger management issues, and some are, like my son, on the autistic spectrum. i don't know exactly why most of them are there, but there's a whole range of kids at his school, and all of them have problems that made their previous school situation NOT GOOD. he's been going there 3 years now, and it has made a big difference. he has friends--though he seldom goes anywhere--and he doesn't come home angry all the time anymore, or dread going to school. he WANTS to go to school. he doesn't LOVE it, and he is lazy about doing homework, but he WANTS to be there. this is a huge relief, after what we went through at his previous school (i should write about that sometime, i suppose).

we've had a few serious chats lately, my boy and i. we have talked about drugs and drinking (i'm a realist. i want him to be safe, period.), about sexting and cyberbullying, about skipping classes and showing respect to teachers and students. he went for a routine physical the other day, and we discussed why i wanted him to get the HPV vaccine. on thursday night, before i take his picture in that tux, i intend to surreptitiously put a Trojan into the pocket of his jacket. i doubt he'll have occasion to use it, but i want him to know it matters. maybe he'll be embarrassed when he finds it, and maybe we'll talk about that.

"those who can, teach. those who cannot make laws about teaching."

i'm not sure what part of my life in new york was more traumatic: witnessing 9/11 from the elementary school where i worked (tucked in between the brooklyn navy yard, the foot of the manhattan bridge, public housing projects, and the brooklyn-queens expressway), or working in the same school when NCLB was passed. as for which event was more damaging to our country, i lean toward NCLB. at least 9/11 fostered a sense of unity and purpose. NCLB forced a business model of growth onto the most important human endeavor, education. horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad idea.

to someone who "hates anxiety"

wow, do i know that anxiety thing. and depression, too. long history of meds here, and a diagnosis of asperger's syndrome (2 years ago, at age 45), which puts everything in a different light. just trying to keep up with the most basic elements of daily life while i process it all is a struggle sometimes. without a doubt, i am my own harshest critic. i have learned that love and laughter are immensely helpful (giving both is better than receiving, but both MUST be present to win). also, allowing myself to work up a full froth of righteous indignation can be motivating, though that can backfire if i'm not careful.
best of luck to you, young'un. "time and the hour runs through the roughest day."

on an aspie forum, about sexual identity

i am very much a tomboy AND a flaming heterosexual, and have described myself as both many times. i started a "tomboy club" in 4th grade, and have always been more comfortable in jeans than anything else. several people have questioned my sexuality, wondering if i might be a lesbian, or bi-sexual, but honestly, i don't feel any particular attraction to women. i don't think i'm repressing anything. i REALLY like men, but i'm not a typical woman, and i tend not to be comfortable around women my own age. i feel a certain kinship with gay men, for whatever reason--that "difference" thing, i imagine, but maybe there's more to it than that. in any case, i sure as shootin' don't want any parents to worry about their aspie kid's sexual identity, because i believe my goal should ALWAYS be to work towards acceptance of all "different" kids. we need to work to stop the bullying, the hate crimes, and the suicides. when a child suffers because of someone's judgmental labeling, we all suffer.